Local street signs have recently been vandalised with sentient graffiti. This is a major inconvenience to authorities and they apologise to the public for this inconvenience. The local Wizardry are being questioned.
Chernobyloids have come from the northern wastes, they hold the town of Midville hostage, demanding not only rights but also privileges, lands, and slaves. The Chernobyloids speak of years of mistreatment, but no Midvillian nor Malvernite knows what they mean. Corporate is looking into military response.
Corporate Moneybags has had the underground tunnels flooded with experimental napalm gas, officially as an attempt to purge the Zikoid population from the Condominium. Local smugglers have not been heard from since, Corporate offers similar product in lieu of the smuggler's, at a 500% markup of course.
She alone whispers in the forest. She whispers in static and ancient commercial. She conveys with the Teloids, she knows their history. She wanders with her flock. Her flock tell the same relentlessly, of the ass' death and of a silent forest.
Today a goat walked into the parliament building and took the place of a representative that was running late. The goat helped pass 3 laws and it was decided to let it stay. Considering that no one else knew that there was a parliament, nobody really objects.
East Malvern has been banned from participating in the upcoming SPORT games, after a demonic height pact scandal. Notorious benefactor, Mr L. One declined to comment.
Excaslavate is digging through the wall to get to the Zikoids he can hear scurrying around. While Excaslavate may be an abomination and crime against nature, he's a patriot and if more people were like him the world would be a better place.
Susej has broken free from the Condominium has is attacking civilians. Attempts to apprehend Susej have been unsuccessful due to Susej's earth-swimming powers. Susej is reported to have already killed several children after getting into a school. Malvern's only school is now closed until further notice. Corporate promises that this is a high priority.
East Malvern's robotics and engineering department has received a lot of funding recently, resulting in the first of many Sovibots. These top of the line warmachines are ready to purge the land of capitalist scum. Corporate Moneybags sees this as "a clear sign of aggression, why else would they be building warbots?" Corporate has begun pouring money into Malvern's own military endeavours.
These speaking stones number three, One of which will lie to ye, There is the second tillite of tooth, Which speaks only of the truth, The third rock remains most silent, You should fear it's voice, for it is violent.
A new duck mine has been discovered, flooding Malvern with jobs in the industry once more. 20 years ago the last duck mines dried up and the region went into an economic depression, with this new mine hope has been restored. A technicality written in the finest of print states that, since the mine is on Condominium land, the mine rightfully belongs to Corporate Moneybags.
East Malvern's nuclear program consists of Warhead Joe. Warhead Joe is notorious for globally renowned nuclear devastation. How E. Malvern had the funds to hire Joe is unknown, though some think a certain wealthy benefactor may have something to do with it
Mother Jones has come into contact with some salt, side effects include but are not limited to: becoming a maggot person. Mother Jones will not be producing any Mother Jones items until this issue is properly addressed.